Last night, I got a bad case of the lonely’s. I think sometimes, whether you follow along on my Instagram account, or we catch up via the occasional text or phone call, you might get a look at the really neat parts of living in a new city so far from home. But living in a new city where you knew no one when you got here can be oh so hard some days, but oh so worth it so many others. As an extroverted person, I thought I would find my people pretty quickly, and love having so many things to do all around me. But as I’ve found out, people you know take a long time to become friends, and even longer to become best friends. Throw in a long distance relationship, and having the darkest circles I’ve ever seen under my eyes for five days in a row, and it’s safe to say I’m a little drained.
Friday nights is usually when the loneliness likes to creep in (conveniently when I’m exhausted from the week and probably too tired to deal with my emotions). Some days, I might tear up on the train or my walk home just seeing a couple carrying groceries, because I so badly miss getting to do those little things with Will. Sometimes you realize the people you thought would be in your life forever you hardly hear from anymore. Last night, I really wanted to grab a drink with someone I felt knew all sides of me and I felt completely close with, and then go home early. But as I said, those friendships take a long time. When you’ve grown up in the same place all your life, you start to realize your network took those 22 years to build, and can’t expect the same thing in a year and half, no matter how many people you try to talk to. You have your forever friends there, and the friends that you’ll have for any sort of activity you want to do, and your Grammy’s couch when you’re just tired and what to fall asleep at home.
But as it is with all things that are hard, the things you learn from them start to turn into positives, and the hard starts to go away. As someone who couldn’t stand the thought of being alone at home or out in public, I’ve learned just how valuable that time can be. I’ve learned how to spend an entire weekend alone and feel totally fulfilled. In fact, this time has allowed me to get serious about what I want to do with my career, and find a job, team and company that I feel authentic at and that I love. In my free time, and thanks to some motivation from Will, I’ve started to write more and look forward to Saturday’s in new or familiar coffee shops working on posts. As someone who has always enjoyed people and sought out big friend groups, I’ve learned that I’d rather be with people who are kind, authentic, and that I resonate with, or be on my own, rather than hang out with people just for the sake of hanging out. I think, though it can be hard to get to this point, when we learn to navigate things on our own, it makes us that much better for relationships with our people.
Someday’s I still get lonely, I still wish that Will and I lived in the same spot, and I still wish I could easily call up my childhood best friends to hang out. And while I’m looking forward to the days of Will and I being in the same city and hopefully continuing to find those forever friends, I’m really thankful for my time in Boston so far. While my home might be far away, Will’s home in Connecticut is close by, and through getting to know this place that’s close to him, I feel a little at home there now too. And all of the other things I’ve gotten to experience and grow in far outweigh those other feelings.
So last night, I bought myself a “pet” shamrock plant at the grocery store, picked up Pad Thai, and since I couldn’t get a drink with my best friend TaylOr, we poured ourselves some gin and tonic and had a drink over FaceTime. Will even called and joined the conversation too. Today, I spent the morning at the art museum, and this afternoon in a wonderful new coffee shop writing. And with that, I’m picking myself up, dusting off the lonely’s, and enjoying this experience that I’ve got.